Update: Fourteen months

It has been some time since I sent you an update on life in Oregon. I do apologize for the length of this as there is a lot to share. When I made a decision to move here last year a door opened for me to take a risk and try something new. Since that time I have seen God directing my path through closed doors, but every closed door means God has an open one somewhere else for me. I have been learning a lot about thanking God for exactly what he is doing in my life, whether I understand it or not, and learning to praise him for all things. I came here to join Colossae Church, a church plant from Cornerstone Church in Simi Valley, California that is led by pastor Chuck Bomar. I had investigated a lot about Cornerstone and Chuck prior to coming to Portland but even with the best of efforts sometimes we miss things or things cannot be seen until you start walking through life with others.

It is very difficult for me to share that things have not worked out with this church. I have grieved and agonized over this and about how to communicate it to you because I care for these people a great deal and I do not want to hurt them. I desire to live and communicate in a manner that is honoring to them and God even as I seek to share honestly with you about what has been going on. It was definitely my heart to be a part of this church for a long time to come and I was working through my questions/issues and aligning my expectations with reality. There are things I was told about the goals and plans for Colossae and planting a church here in Tigard that have not become the reality I expected. Chuck had no training or guidance on church planting before starting Colossae, and as this was a brand new church not reaching every goal is expected but I came here understanding that Colossae was a community with these goals, and they are not what I experienced.

• To build a core community of people – There has been no vision casting, equipping, or building of this core. At the same time there is no outreach to bring new people into the church or to share God with others.
• To “build a body of people who desire to live biblically (not just saying it, but actually living this way)”
• To “hold Scripture up as THE standard, and then revolve our lives around it”
• To build programs around prayer, relationships and the Word – Bible studies were not started as they do not fit the vision of where leaders desire to go, prayer rarely occurs outside of Sunday morning services, and relationships are friendly but surface level with no real depth or accountability
• To be very intentionally involved in service to the community, missions, and outreach
• To value unity, diversity, and people in need
• To donate 10% or more beyond the local church and to grow that to 50% over the next few years – I believe only one donation has been made and that was in September 2008.

I know that no church is perfect and I knew that I came here dealing with wounds from spiritual abuse I experienced 4+ years ago. I had been honest with Pastor Bomar regarding the issues and questions I was trying to work through. I had actively sought his assistance and spiritual guidance in that and tried to seek assistance from someone else in the church also. Unfortunately over time it became clear that helping me sort through my questions and restore trust in the church was more than he could handle and he didn’t understand or accept the issues I was working through. Neither Chuck nor the elders have experience working with people who have been spiritually abused or traumatized and they considered responses and areas where I was struggling and asking for time and space as lack of faith, trust, disrespect, and unsubmissiveness rather than as areas where I needed spiritual guidance, support, and healing. They lacked the faith to believe that God could and would work through the issues with time, love, support, prayer, and focus on God’s truth found in scripture.

Due to this the elders informed me through email that I will no longer be allowed to attend the church. I am saddened that rather than just explaining that they didn’t have the ability to walk with me and assist me, rather than allowing others in the community to help, and rather than talking about our different views on authority and submission to find common ground improper words were spoken toward me. I was told I was unteachable, unsubmissive, twisted communication, and that my questions and lack of understanding was causing disunity. I am not denying some issues might have been present, and I take full responsibility for my sinful and wrong actions/words, but anything done on my part was not done intentionally or with a heart that desired to cause issues. For example, I did turn to an older/elder woman in the church for counsel about how to communicate better, heal, and understand program decisions because I desired the relationship with Chuck and Colossae to be strong and healthy. I was told that this communication was part of why I was dismissed from Colossae, because it was an act of disunity to speak of any miscommunication with the pastor to another member of the church. This has been a painful and difficult situation as I really believed in the vision behind this church, was highly invested in it, and trusted Chuck more than any pastor I have known. I care about the people in this church a lot and considered some of them (including Pastor Bomar and his family) friends that I intended to be in community with for years to come. I had been told that many of these people cared deeply about me, but when the leaders removed me from the church ALL communication with anyone in the church was cut off. The accusations, attacks on my character, loss of over 60 relationships, loss of my church, effects to my identity/value/purpose, effects to my relationship with God, betrayal, and broken trust have been hard to work through. I originally believed I was placed under church discipline and I tried to walk out the situation from that viewpoint going through counseling, discipleship, and a lot of personal work addressing sin and other issues in my life. I have repeatedly sought reconciliation with the church leaders (both on my own and through a counselor) and I have tried to do everything I could to glorify God by working through the issues and restoring relationships. After weeks of silence, the elders finally communicated I was not under church discipline, and there is no avenue for communication, reconciliation or restoration. It has been communicated that I should not contact anyone in the church again even to seek reconciliation. This breaks my heart and weighs heavily on me as I believe Scripture is clear that Christians should not live in broken relationships and should set the example of loving, forgiving, and seeking unity even in the face of struggle and difficulties. I continue to hope that the leaders and members of this church will one day reconcile and walk in unity with me.

As I have walked through this I have learned that there were beliefs I struggle with at the church that I had not recognized as they are not openly shared:

• The church is founded on a theology called Lordship Salvation or Reformed Theology (a form of Calvinism). I didn’t know anything about these beliefs until after I was disfellowshipped.
• The leaders have a very strong and conservative view of submission, not only to God but especially to leaders and husbands. Lack of submission is seen as rebellion toward God and therefore as sin. Marital issues, even violence, seems to be deemed as being due to lack of submission by the wife. I and others have been counseled that greater submission is needed.
• The pastor and elders are the ultimate authority in the church, not only to lead the church, but to speak personally into your life.  They state they speak on behalf of God and hesitancy to listen fully to and submit to all they say may be viewed as cutting off the voice of God in your life. It was expressed that spiritual direction would come from the leaders instead of from a personal faith walk with God.
• The “headship” for single women who do not live at home goes to the leaders of the church, and they expect to have an even larger voice in the single woman’s life than the life of others in the church.
• The leaders respond and interact better with men in the church. I know of multiple women who have had problems communicating with the pastor and the on-site elder. (Three elders are in California)
• There is a “no talk” rule about issues, especially regarding meetings with the church leaders. Communication with the leaders is not to be shared with others. A “no talk” rule is often put in place in families or organizations as a means of control or to stifle or hide anything that has the potential to cast someone (e.g. a leader) in a bad light. Healthy groups thrive on free flowing information, where unhealthy groups experience confused, defective or controlled communication, so the “no talk” rule raised red flags.
• Church leaders believe that all the resources the church community needs can be found inside the existing local church, and there is no need to reach outside the local church for other support, in fact reaching outside the church was not really supported.
• The leaders believe in treating the spiritual person, but not the whole person. There is some disrespect shown for others boundaries and safety. For example: not allowing time and space to process through things, not adjusting meeting logistics to improve conditions for open sharing, not providing care for physical and emotional needs, not providing financially for church program expenditures, not doing background checks on childcare workers, etc.

I recognize and admit that I had areas where I needed to heal, grow, learn, and change. I came to Colossae actively seeking discipleship, direction, support, and counsel for these areas but the leaders were not ready to provide that to me and as I recognized that I tried to look for that support elsewhere but was discouraged from doing that. As I have sought help to work through the separation from Colossae, concern has been expressed and some difficult questions have been raised. I learned the leaders deemed that based on areas where I struggled they believe I am not a Christian; instead they feel I have been “churched” and can talk the talk but do not have an actual walk with God. They did not follow Biblical process for resolving conflict (Matt. 18) because of that claim and I was removed from the congregation with no discussion or avenue for clarification. The belief I was not a Christian and other claims were not expressed until weeks after I was dismissed from the church. This devastated me because I have been a Christian for 25 years and consider it the most important thing in my life affecting all my decisions, relationships, and values. Back in late January Pastor Bomar had even told me he believed I had a true and authentic walk with God, and that the church needed me to step up and share that with others. When I asked about their recent claim I was told that because I struggled to trust and faced confusion over some spiritual issues that it was clear God was not at work in my life. It is confusing that any church would remove people stating they are not believers rather than trying to help them come to relationship with Christ because Jesus’ last words were that Christians should go and make disciples. It is also hard to understand how Christians can shun others and refuse to forgive, love, and live in reconciliation and unity. As I desire and try to live a life worthy of the gospel the brokenness and division with those at Colossae grieves my heart, and I still am trying to resolve the situation with them so we can live in reconciliation.

This has been very hard for me because I care so deeply and I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings of love with the hurt, betrayal (confidentiality was broken and gossip occurred), and abandonment I also feel. I believe that Chuck is a strong teacher and that his teachings are pretty Biblically sound but as I met individually with him he never spoke of God, shared from the Bible or prayed. He is successfully leading a national college ministry, and is now writing college ministry books. I believe Chuck has a heart with good intentions however he just does not have the experience, wisdom, depth of faith, Biblical knowledge, or compassion to care for those who have deep needs or are hurt, abused, scared, or disillusioned with the church. So, from my experience Colossae is not a safe place for people in need. I care for those I know at Colossae so deeply and continue to pray that the church will grow healthy and strong in God’s truth. Although I am saddened and grieving, I have forgiven those involved and freely release them into God’s hands. They are not my enemy and I harbor no anger or bitterness toward them. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I love them deeply, extend grace and forgiveness to them, and will continue to uplift them in prayer and walk in unity and peace with them to the best of my ability.

While what I just shared is painful, there is some great news. Through discipleship and a lot of hard work my faith, walk with God, and life have changed dramatically. As I was led to scripture I have grown immensely in my spiritual maturity, understanding of God, and faith walk. I am overjoyed to share that the confusion and issues I have struggled with for the last 4+ years have been healed as I have gotten to the roots that were keeping my wounds from healing from my past abuse, and keeping my mind from understanding God’s truth. I am doing better than I have for years, and emotionally and spiritually I am very healthy. I don’t have a church home yet, and I still do not have a job (I was laid off due to the economy in May) so there is uncertainty about the future, but several churches have welcomed me to join them even after hearing my story. Over the last few weeks God has connected me with some incredible people and I am now tied into one of the strongest and most spiritually mature communities I have known where I am finding grace, love, and deep friendship and support. I am hoping this may lead to a new church home. I still desire to find a church community to be vitally connected with where I can have relationships, serve, and grow. I am trusting that God will lead me to the right place. Doors have opened for me to be actively involved in community service, and now others are coming to me inviting and recruiting me to serve in ministry in several areas. With the healing I have experienced I am now able to walk in service and relationships in new ways and look forward to a different and much healthier future. I already have been able to serve, lead, and minister at an area youth/young adult conference with a confidence and vitality I have never known. I have enjoyed life in Oregon so I am planning to stay here as I continue to determine where God wants me as I still desire to live dedicated to His service.

Thank you for your friendship, your prayers, and your support. You all mean so much to me. I apologize I haven’t shared about this until now but I have been deeply hoping and praying that reconciliation and healing would be possible with Colossae. Again, it is not my heart to hurt them or misrepresent what has occurred. What I have shared here is only my experience and perspective. I know others have found Colossae to be a place where they are growing and thriving and I praise God for that. As I am now working to accept the closed door with Colossae I felt it was time to share my story with you. It is my prayer that God will be glorified through this, if not through reconciliation then by some other avenue. I am thankful for your continued prayers and support as I wait on God for direction on the next steps for this journey.

Walking with God,
Sherie
“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” (Philippians 1:27)